Two Years

I'm sitting here wondering how two years can pass so fast in one sense, and in another, not. Let me clarify. Today is the two year anniversary of my Grams passing. Two years ago today, I held her hand and touched her leg as my mom held her other hand, my aunt held her leg, my other aunt held me, my cousin stood in the room shell-shocked, and my son bolted from the room. Two years ago today, I lost my best friend in the whole world. The one person I trusted completely. The one person who I knew I could talk to about everything and nothing. She taught me about misty moisty mornings, and about lemon drops, and about melancholy and how to use it in a sentence, and about life and love - she taught me to forgive, even that which I thought was unforgivable, she had this way of listening, of really listening with her whole being so you just knew that she HEARD you - not just your words, but YOU - ME. even when I didn't have words, she knew. I feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn't, I feel guilty sometimes because I miss her more than I miss him. His two year anniversary was the fifth, and while I noted it with sadness, I also know in my heart that he is no longer in pain, and he was hurting so bad that I was ok with him leaving - he hurt all the time, not just the last week of his life - he was not happy, he was existing, and to see this larger than life man reduced to the life he was living was harder than letting him go was. But her - I still have moments where I'm just so damned sad. I still pick up the phone to ask her how to spell something. I still have these moments when I want to call her and tell her what I've seen, what I've dealt with, what I have learned, what I fear, what I'm excited about - all of it. I still want to share with her... and DAMNED IT I miss her so much. It's like, part of my chest caves in when I allow myself to think about it. I wonder if I will forever hate the month of May... It used to be my favorite... I love you Gram, I miss you.