Monday, November 05, 2007


I have a confession to make. I’m not as strong as you think I am. Really, I’m not. I’m a big old chicken.

I just can’t do it. I literally made myself sick yesterday because I just can’t do it. What is it? Well, Saturday, I got another one of ‘the calls’. A good good friend of mine’s sister was killed in a car wreck. I should have gone home to the old home town and been there for them. I should have gone and given my condolences and made sure that they were holding up ok.

I couldn’t do it. I started throwing up about 1am and didn’t stop until I had decided it was too late for me to go. The same hour I decided I wasn’t going to go, I felt much better. I know this is just my nerves. I know it is stress, but I just couldn’t do it. I almost sent myself into a panic attack trying to get ready to leave my house. Not over anything important, over what I was going to wear. To my Friend’s HOUSE – people I have known for thirty years. Not strangers, not people who would EVER judge me, friends. They are dealing with so much – she was young, she had young children, her husband has been arrested for homicide – a ton of things to deal with – and yet, I couldn’t make myself get into that car. Not for any amount of money, not for any reason. I couldn’t do it. I am not ok with this.

I keep telling myself that I can only do what I can do, and that they understand, but the thing is, I should have been able to do this. I know that other people have things MUCH harder than I do. I have recently become fascinated with MPD/DID and have been reading different blogs regarding different people’s lives who deal with/ are living with/ are doing great / are suffering / are making it one day at a time – through living with MPD. THAT is HARD. I know I shouldn’t compare the two, my situation and theirs, but I do it anyway – and mine is not hard compared to what they have survived. And yet, here I am being a baby. Here I am, going into full panic because I don’t want to deal with more death.

I am not at all happy about it.

1 comment:

jumpinginpuddles said...

Death is a personal grief some people handle it well some people dont never berate yourself for acceptin or not accepting it its oone of the hardest issues to deal with. I dont know if we would have gone either as we rarely attend funerals.
As for DID if you have any questions you are more than welcoem to ask on our blog, but i guess im curious why are you so interested in MPD/DID?