Saturday, September 22, 2007

Here I go again...

So, now, my dad's mom is dead. She died when he was born. 2 years later, enter Phyllis, aka Rose, aka Heavy, aka Granny. She is the only Grandma I know for my dad. She is dying. As in, we have been called 'home' to the old home town because it is not believed she will make it through the weekend. She was initially given a month, but she is going downhill very quickly, and my Grandpa called my Dad and said that it won't be long now. Not long at all. To please come home. So, as soon as Dad wakes up (He works nights, so he's asleep right now - thus I have time to post this) we are off.

I can't quite get my head around this. I am aware that I am very fortunate to have a Granny at the ripe old (HA!) age of 36. (Yep, I had a birthday just a week ago) and I am also very aware that my boy is VERY VERY fortunate to have Great Grandparents at the age of almost 14. However, let me tell you - THIS SUCKS. I know that I am very blessed to have had my Grandparents this long. I KNOW this is a reflection of the blessings that I have. I also know that for every silver lining, there is also a cloud, so to speak. (Remember the old saying for every cloud there is a silver lining - well, look in reverse.) My clouds are that as an adult, I am losing my family. I am going through the pain of losing those I love. I don't know why, but for whatever reason, I honestly thought my Grams was going to live forever. I didn't want her to die. And now, I'm faced with losing my other Granny. Damn. I am tempted to say, what more? but I know that old trick. The moment you say what more or what else, something more and something else comes along. Believe me. It does. I keep trying to 'go numb', but for whatever reason (OK, I know the reason - his name starts with an A) I can't. When I was young, and I lost MY Great-Grandparents - (As an aside, I know now what mom went through - and damn, mom, I'm sorry!!!) I basically went numb. I stopped feeling. I keep trying to do that so that maybe some of this hurt will just go away... but that's not happening. I am so glad that A still has his grandparents - from a child's view - it is hard to lose someone you love, but as an adult - to have them for 36 years - it just gets worse.

As another aside. My child must have something really special ahead of him for his life. This kid has lost more people than several adults that I know. Yes, I've tried to turn it around for him and show him that in order to have lost them, he was blessed enough to have them in the first place, but you know, as a kid, all that does is piss you off. Also, as an adult, all it does is piss me off - so I know where he's coming from. Anyway, back on topic. I am told that for every trial you go through, it prepares you for life. It makes you stronger. OK, so this kid must have something that he has to be - like stronger than superman - and I know he will succeed, because he has been through so very much as a child. That or this is all just a bunch of crap and I'm only rambling because I don't want to go and see my Granny so small lying on that bed, racked in pain, cancer eating her alive, hurting, fighting, and giving up. I don't want to be reminded that I have lost my Grams and my Grandpa, and now my Granny is following them. Damned it. DAMNED IT DAMNED IT ALL! Ok, breathe. Just breathe. I will survive. I will get through. I will manage. I will let you know when she is gone. OH boy. More plants for me to kill. Sorry - that came from my twisted sense of humor that makes this oh so much fun.

Love and life. Or death. or fuckitall.

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