Wednesday, March 31, 2004

I am still alive

Believe it or not...

Sorry I haven't posted in forever. I am all right still. I do not have quite as positive of an attitude as I had, but I'm sure that the right job will come along. I have had a boost to my self esteem though... I've tested in almost every temp service in town, and have made almost a 100% on the Word, Excel, PowerPoint and Access tests. Which is good for me, because otherwise, people would only think that I knew staffing, and this way, I can say, no, I'm a great admin as well! It's another avenue to look for work.

Mom has surgery in two days. I'm leaving town so I can go be with her. It's not a major surgery, but I do come by some things naturally, so I'm almost afraid to expect things to go smooth. (I never have anything go smooth in surgery - EVER). But she has one on Friday and a second on Wednesday after that. The doc said that her eyes should be better than they are right now - she should not even have to use her glasses - which is AWESOME! It still blows me away that my mom, who is only 52 has severe enough cataract that they are performing surgery to remove them. Damn. Look what I get to look forward to. (I know, that is selfish, but it is said with the utmost love for her).

I've been pretty pissed off at my dad. I think he knows that he and I do not see eye to eye. I think for the first time in his life, things are turned around - where he is afraid of me walking out on him instead of me being afraid that he is going to walk out on me. Unfortunately, this new thing, with that old thing (see a couple of posts ago) is almost more than I can bare. I have this horrible guilt of saying that I don't trust him though. I'm not sure why. (not why I don't trust him, but why I have the guilt). I know Krista, guilt is a useless emotion. I can't help it though. I've done everything I can to alleviate it, and it's still there. It says, he is your father. You should stick by him. He would never hurt you. Then this other voice says WHAT?!!?!! He would WHAT?!!?!! DUH. Um, YES. Yes he would. I don't know. I guess I'll just see how this plays out. I have a regular argument with myself over whether or not it could be me. See, I got to go and bail dear old dad out of jail ... for domestic abuse. Now, he swears that he would never hurt me... but then I remember the past... and he DID... so what makes it any different? Um, I'm an adult... yeah, so - so is the girlfriend. That didn't stop him. I don't put myself in the position that she did? You are right. I don't. So? I still piss him off. We are a lot alike he and I. Of course I piss him off. Do I think I could piss him off bad enough? Yep. I've done it to other men. I am quite sure that he and I could easily go there. So why am I still around? Because he's my dad. Ok. So fucking what? Lots of people don't have relationships with their parents and are MUCH better off for it. So what the f*#$ is my problem? I don't know.

Life. Such fun. At least I get to go and spend some time with my mom. That is always a good thing. Send her some positive thoughts, please. I really want this surgery to go well.

I probably won't be back until after Easter - so have a good Easter ya'll. Girls, I will talk to you as soon as mom gets out to let someone know she's ok....

Until then. Ya'll take care.

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