Tuesday, June 24, 2003

So, I’m waiting on my referral. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I get to go to a rheumotologist. I’ve been asked whether they will be doing a fluid test... what is a fluid test? I’m trying to learn all I can about this. I’ve been on-line, and talking to friends. I need to have more specific information from my doctor though to be able to further understand my illness/disease (?). The first thing my husband said when I told him that the test had shown that I do indeed have rheumatoid arthritis was, “well, how the hell do we fix that?” God bless him. Just like a man. If there’s a problem, fix it. Period. I told him that from what I understood, this doesn’t work that way. It can’t just be “fixed”. It can be managed, but not fixed. He promptly asked me how many more painkillers I was going to be addicted to... not very nice if you ask me. I manage very well thank you... it’s amazing what you can get used to. (Speaking of living with pain, not getting addicted to painkillers).

I’ve been contemplating a change. I still very much like what I do – interviewing, putting people to work, dealing with picky Clients... but I just don’t see a future where I am. I’ve been here a year, the market SUCKS – ROYALLY – I was told that I would not be getting an annual raise, and on top of that, since we are not making any money, I won’t be getting commissions either. OK, so no raise, no commission... shitty attitudes, impossible clients.... is it really worth my time, energy and effort??? Especially while I’m dealing with this other crap of my health? I don’t need the stress folks. Put me behind a desk, let me do data entry, let me answer phones, type letters, do transcription... I’ll get the coffee, I’ll pay the bills, I’ll do the bank reconciliation’s, I’ll even do payroll.... Just give me a BREAK! I know that in this economy, I should be VERY grateful to even have a job – and to be honest, I am grateful to have a job... I just wish that I had a DIFFERENT job. I’ve been trying to get a friend of mine to hire me as his personal secretary. I know I would be able to do a great job for him, and he needs someone to help him stay organized. Maybe someday, my ship will come in, and I will talk him into hiring me. Until that point, I’m just quietly sending out my resume, and hoping against hope that all goes well.

Anniversary was good... almost frighteningly good. See, I don’t know if I told you this or not, but I can’t have a good anniversary – it means that we will have a bad year... Our first anniversary was GREAT! We went away for the weekend, we had a wonderful time... it was great. The next year – both of us, on separate occasions went to an attorney to get a divorce. I had all the papers ready – all he had to do was sign – I had already signed... then I tore up my papers, and not three months later, he had papers all ready to sign... not a good period for us. After that, the next anniversary sucked – we went out of town to eat – and our truck broke down... we had to walk almost 4 miles – and me in heels. It was not good. BUT the year after that was better than any before! Same for each year after that... the anniversary date sucked, but each year has gotten better and better... this year we are in our 7th year... from everything I am told, this is the “make or break year” and we had a good anniversary. I have to say though that maybe it won’t be too bad because on the actual date, hubby ended out sick half the night. He says that counts... I’m not sure because it’s always been on our “Date” night that we had problems not on the ACTUAL date. Maybe I’m just borrowing trouble. Maybe I’m thinking about his because I don’t want to think about my health. I don’t know.... All I know for certain, is that it will all work out... one way or another, it will all work out... the world just keeps on spinning – so until it stops, everything continues....

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