Friday, June 27, 2003

I have my referral! It's not until July 21st, but that's better than most people get, I have been told. I'm just pleased that I will finally be given some answers. Not certain they are the answers I want to hear, but they are answers none-the-less.

Going "home" this weekend to my home town. I'm actually looking forward to it this time. I haven't got to see folkes in a month or more, so this is going to be nice. It's my grandpa's birthday. I get confused now days. I called him "Daddy" for more years than I can remember - since I was about 9, I think... but now, I have this new relationship with my *actual* father, and I call him "Daddy", but I don't want to stop calling my grandpa that either. He's been my "Dad" for many years - when lies and deceipt kept my father away - but none the less, he's been Daddy. I have to remember not to call him that in front of my father, because it hurts his feelings... but I have to remember TO call my grandpa Daddy because if I don't then I get questioned about why he's not "daddy" anymore... and NO one - not one person - on my mother's side of the family likes my father, and wants me to have anything to do with him...

OH well

I want to thank you for the kind offers of support with this arthritis. I've had some really nice things come up since I've told ya'll that I have this. Some real supporters have e-mailed me, or given me offers of information - which I really appreciate. Thank you so much!

I'm looking forward to seeing my aunt when I go home this time too... Becky is here from Texas, and I love it when she's around. She and I have a really good relationship. We seem to understand one another. My other aunts and I get along really well, don't get me wrong - I have a great family - but Becky and I just seem to know without talking.

I'm really really blessed... I have a HUGE family... my mother has four siblings, and my father has three. I have more cousins than I could count if I tried. I've always felt like kind of an outcast with my cousins though. Like I just didn't quite fit in, or I didn't quite belong. I don't know why. I just always felt like they didn't like me. I know when I was younger, I was very very spoiled. And that had a lot to do with it. I think. I don't know for sure. I just never felt like they liked me. Now that I'm an adult, I try to be a better person. I've tried to call one or two, and I try to keep up with a couple of others. But part of my mind always wonders if they are just tolerating me because I am family or if they really like me because I am a decent human being. I have some facinating family. Talented beyond belief. Maybe that's why I never fit in, I have no talent. I couldn't carry a note with a bucket, my drawing skills look like that of a 3 year old, and my sculpting skills are almost as bad... my writing skills... well, you can see for yourself. BLAH. I was told one time, by one of my favorites that the others thought I was very judgemental... I think I was just misunderstood. What they saw as judging, was more facination, awe, and wonder. and poor communication skills. I either babbled, or I shut up. Both completely inappropriately timed. Both were nothing but nerves. I still do that. I either babble about nothing, and anything often revealing more than I should and am brass and crass and obnoxious, or I shut down, and am silent. Nerves. It sucks. I live in the same town as three of my cousins, and I never see them. Never, unless my grandma comes to town that is. I know we don't run in the same circles, but I'd like to know them better. I'd like to know them as adults. I'd like to get to know them not as family, but as people. I'd like for them to get to know me... and if I'm completely honest, I think I want them to want to get to know me... I wonder if they'd like me now.

I'm off for the weekend... gonna ride motorcycles, ride three wheelers, fish, shoot guns, pop fireworks, and generally have a good time. Do I sound back woods or what?!? Oh well. I'm looking forward to a weekend of fun with family. Like I said, I'm really blessed. I have a ton of family. One other really nice thing... with my family... family is family - whether you "like" them or not, they are family, and family sticks. Have a good weekend... M

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