Thursday, March 06, 2003

by nodes id ruddin anb I feel like ship. In other words, my allergies are kicking my ass. BIG TIME.

I joined a support group. well, of sorts. So far, it's been nothing but kick butt. I really like it. The people on the list are SO ultimate cool. I've been having this private hell in trying to lose weight. I'm not very good at it, and I really don't want to go to the commitment that it takes to *actually* DO anything - but this group of people have been helping me see the error of my weighs (pun is intended). I felt SO much better when I was thinner. I LOOKED so much better when I was thinner. I felt sexy. I felt energetic. I felt WONDERFUL, now - whether it is age or weight or both (most likely) - I am tired (a LOT), my back hurts, I get winded if I try to do too much, and I do NOT feel sexy. SO, I joined in. I'm doing it. I actually (BELIEVE IT OR NOT!) turned (OMG) DOWN chocolate today!!!! Anyone who knows me IRL knows that this just does NOT happen. So I was proud of me. Yea me. One pound at an aweful pound at a time, it will come off. I will be thinner. I may not ever be "skinny" again, but that's ok. I just want to shop in NORMAL stores and buy things off of the normal rack not have to go to the furthest corner of the store and look through the "moomoos" or "Tents" that they have for people my size... that or they try to make the "in style" clothing, just bigger. Now how many people out there want to see a large person in a pair of stretch pants or hip huggers with a shirt that shows her belly??? Not too many, and if they do - well, they are rare. I'll try to be good and keep you updated with my progress. hopefully, it will be steady. Small goals right now. I want to go 5 pounds per month. That's not too bad, until I look at the overall picture, and that makes it what - 20 - 25 months before I actually reach my "GOAL" weight. 2+/- years?!?!?! UMMM. I can do this. I HAVE to do this. I will do this the right way, and not be stupid. I will not start any "FAD" things, I will eat healthy, and I will make this happen. THEN, I will learn how to post some PICTURES - even sexy ones - of myself - to show off the results. By then, maybe I will have learned how to do that... until then, no one sees me. I'll be counting on these women to help me, and they are counting on me to help them, so it's pretty exciting. I'm definitely accountable. And I'm tired. I am tired of being fat. I'm tired of not feeling good. I'm tired of not taking compliments seriously, because I don't have a good self image. I'm tired of not taking care of my body, and of not wanting my husband to see me nude. It makes for a very sedate bed, and I'm not much into that either, if the truth be known. So, I deserve this, and damned it, I'm going to do it.
These allergies are kicking my butt. My poor nose. My aching back - from sneezing so hard!. Blah.
So, there. I'm updated. Sorry it took so long. Maybe - if I feel better - I'll do this again tomorrow. Until next time... me

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