Thursday, February 13, 2003

So, I am having a hell week this week. Not sure why, just feels that way. Maybe my meds aren't right or something, who knows. Yes, I'm on medication - Ogen (hormone replacement) because I had to have a hysterectomy at 29. And Effexor (anti depressant) because I had to have a hysterectomy at 29 right after I spent an un-Godly amount of money at a fertility treatment center trying desperately to have another child.... Anyway, it's not been the best of weeks. I let my son go spend the day with his grandpa yesterday - first time I have ever done anything remotely close to that - dad and I don't have the best of relationships, but we are trying to build one - so, I let him come and pick kiddo up, take him to lunch, then to a park, and just to play, and my mom calls - to surprise us with lunch because she's come to town - She lives two hours away - she works an hour and 10 minutes away - but she came to "Surprise" us. Now she gets her feelings hurt because I've let the child go and spend time with this man that she doesn't trust, and she doesn't like, and she doesn't want around HER grandson. It's not like he spent more than 4 hours with the man. It's not like he wasn't having a ball. I'm working on something here. I know exactly what he is capable of... I lived that nightmare - remember? Do you really think that I would EVER subject my one and only child to something that could potentially hurt him? REALLY? So, mom throws a temper tantrum, makes me cry at work, (rare enough that I cry, much less so at work - done that twice - once when mom called and said my grandma died, and once when mom called and said my uncle died - I think that's forgivable - but my co-workers were wondering who died this time, and damn haven't I had enough death in my family for one year? - it wasn't like they didn't believe me, it was more pity that I had to go through ANOTHER death in my family - fortunately that wasn't it. Although mom made me feel like it was - like a part of our relationship died. Why is that? Why is it that she makes me feel like I have to choose? That I can't have a relationship with this man who helped produce me. Who has grown, who knows my rules, and has followed them to a degree that she wouldn't fathom following when it comes to my son... He has shown me more respect as an adult than he has shown anyone I know - I've never seen him behave that way with another adult - and I appreciate it. I think, little by little, I can grow to trust him, and maybe heal some of the hurt that I've lived with my whole life. I have abandonment issues, I know this, I have trust issues, and I know this even better... so why not allow me the opportunity to heal some of the past regressions? I will NOT allow any harm to come to my child, so what the hell? Why is it wrong for me to feel that he can take my son for one afternoon? Because my mother put me through such a guilt trip that I couldn't sleep, I can't eat today - at least so far, I haven't been able to hold anything down - and I am on the verge of tears? I am normally so very much better at controlling my emotions. This is just almost stupid. See, then I get mad. I don't know what to think, what to do, or how to feel. Some days I just want to hide my head in the red dirt of Oklahoma, and never pop out again. BLAH.

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