Thursday, March 12, 2015

Still working on getting back into this.

Overwhelmed.  I am overwhelmed.  Stressed. overwhelmed is the major feeling right now.  I'm busy at work, but for once in my career here, I'm busy in a way I like to be busy.

We are moving.  I LOVE the new home.  It feels like a happy home.  It is bigger.  It has more room.  I love the feel of the place.  I'm ready to make it home.  And they don't mind my service dog, Whiskey.

One baby step at a time.  Seems I go forward one step and I get knocked back five.  I wish I understood why, but that's how I feel.  I don't necessarily trust all my feelings, but I'm doing the best I can.  I'm trying so very hard to come out of this downward spiral.  I'm not sure what the catalyst was this time, but it keeps spinning lower and lower and while my sweet husband is trying to hold on to the top, he is coming after me.  He won't let me go here alone.  I'm so grateful to have him.

Some days, I think I can't do this.  Not for one minute more.  I can't.  I don't have the strength, I don't have the energy.  But then I look at this man and think, he doesn't deserve this.  He deserves a loving wife who cares about everything... so I try again.

I don't like my son's girlfriend.  I think she is manipulative, and I think she is verbally abusive to him.  It breaks my heart that I taught him that taking verbal abuse is ok.  I took it for so many years, he learned that it was ok to accept being spoken to in a manner that one should NOT be spoken towards.  I wish she would go away.  But the harder I wish and pray for it, the more she clings not only to him, but to me, as a mom.  It breaks my heart.  And then I get sad again.  And thus the cycle continues.  I just need a break.  A real break.  Or some time to regenerate.  Or something.  I know that I don't like feeling all drugged out - but I cry and cry and cry if I don't take my medication.  SO... I go the other way and take my meds probably a lot more than I should.

I don't know why I feel this way.  I want it to stop.  I want to be genuinely happy again.  I have moments of happiness.  Little bright lights of goodness.  I cling to those.  Because otherwise, my world feels completely dreary... and sometimes intensely dark.  I don't like the darkness.  I want bright lights and stars and a full moon to light my path if it has to be dark...

Should I offer but a smile, please don't be disappointed... so many give... a lot less. ~Jovan

No comments: