Hanging In Here....

o, been a while. I'm still surviving.

I go day to day with my life. Kiddo has started eighth grade. I can't believe how grown up he is. It's amazing. He's in all honors classes. Even his electives are considered honors classes. He's taking Vo-Ag AKA - FFA. He loves it. He's wanting to show a critter now. I've almost talked him into a sheep rather than a steer. It's considerably cheaper to show a sheep than a steer - and I'm considering the money factor only. However, he has to apply to show a critter, and the older kids get seniority. I'm hoping that means this year, we don't get a kritter - but don't tell him. He's also in Spanish - high school level Spanish. It's going pretty well - I'm remembering a lot of my own, so that is helping a lot. He's also in 9th grade Algebra. Yep, skipped that pre-Algebra all together. Darn it. That's kicking my butt! The rest is going pretty well. So far, anyway. He's made it to the first string football team. His grade has a first and a second string team. And on each of those teams, there is a first and a second string. I think it's the PC way of not hainvg third or fourth strings and it's a way that more boys actually get to play. Anyway, he's on the second string of the first string team. I still haven't decided if it would be better to be on the first string of the second string team or the second string of the first string team. Oh well, either way, he's working his butt off to make it to the first string. I'm really proud of him this year. Not that I'm really proud of him all the time, but I am proud of him for how well he's doing.

So, anyway, I'm basically going day to day. I'm great one day, and the next, I miss my grandparents so much that I can't hardly catch my breath. It's harder when I go "home" to my hometown. I spent the weekend there this weekend, and I've cried all weekend long. I miss them so much. I woke up this morning with a migrane from crying so hard. It's just so damned miserable without them. My aunt has cried all weekend, she isn't sleeping well, my mom is doing better, so they tell me, but she is forever changed, and my uncle - well, that's another story all together.

My birhtday is coming up. My mom keeps asking me what I want, and to be perfectly honest, I don't want to have a birthday without my gram and grandpa. Every year of my life, I've started my birthday with my grandpa calling me telling me happy birthday. My Gram then followed up with a call later in the day to ask how my "special" day has been. Even as an adult when birthdays aren't supposed to mean as much, I've always had those calls to make my day wonderful. I just don't know how to face the day knowing they won't be calling me. The other day, I wanted so much just to see them. Just to talk to them. Just to hear my gran's voice again. Just to hug her and have her pat my head and tell me that it's all going to be all right. Damn, it's been three months - why does it still hurt this bad??? Why can't I go a whole day without missing them so much that it feels as if my throat is closing and my breath is hard to catch and I don't even want to deal.

So that's my update. I'm hanging on. I'm getting through. I'm still sad, but I'm hanging on.