Thursday, December 28, 2006

Updates

UPDATES and the like

Been a while, yes? I know, I know… sorry. Well, not really. I’ve had… things going on for a while now, and I just haven’t gotten around to updating this blog. For one, I’m tired. I mean, seriously, sleep all day and all night for a week tired. My house needs cleaned. I’ve recently read where someone called herself a “C plus housekeeper at best” – well, I personally think I’m about a D plus or C minus housekeeper at best… and right now, my house is at a D minus close to an F. I just don’t have the energy to get it all done. Yes, I’m aware that depression has a way of doing that to a person, and no, I am not blaming this on my depression, although, technically, I think it could fit – sort of. I mean, I am depressed about what’s been going on, but I’m not falling into a tail spin sort of depression. This one is more stress related. And not that I’m in a tail spin, not yet anyway. I’m still doing ok – at least for the most part ok.

I made my first payment on the kiddo’s trip. $500.00 is gone. I still have to make another $500.00 payment by then end of January to keep his spot. Talk about money. CRAP! Thank you to the contributors! Roni you are the best! Rennikins – you know I love ya! The rest of you cheap jerks , lovely broke souls, I completely understand – I’m a cheap jerk lovely broke soul too. HAHA!

Ok, so you know me well enough to know that the kid’s trip can’t be all that is bothering me.

It’s not. My Grams got sick. She got real sick. My hero, my role model, my confidant, my inspiration, my teacher, my so many things - well, she died, well technically, she died four times. Don’t panic!!! We’ve got her. She’s still alive, but she wasn’t. So her brain kind of got mixed up, and her legs don’t work so good, and some other things don’t work so good. But, she’s alive. She’s with us. I’m thrilled at that – don’t get me wrong – I mean it – I am THRILLED that she is still alive and with us. I don’t know what I will do when she isn’t with us. I just have been through the ringer with this one. She told me good bye. She told me that she loved me, and that I was a good girl, and that I was a good mom. She also told me to take care of and be nice to my mom. Which cracked me up, because I AM nice to my own mom. This was on the 9th of December. She had a respiratory episode. Because the asshole jackass , dumb shit technician (who by the way was wearing twelve hundred dollar full quill ostrich boots) said that her pace maker showed no signs of any stoppage, so it COULDN’T have been a heart attack (even though the tape showed a heart rate of, um, NONE, ZERO, ZIP, NADA) nope, it had to have been a respiratory attack, or episode, or something to do with her lungs because the pace maker never skipped a beat, and it never showed any signs of heart problems. Whatever, dick weed, I saw the tape and the monitor, (because I questioned whether the leads were hooked up and things were working properly!) So anyway, I’ve spent the last several days, um, weeks?, driving back and forth between Tulsa and Oklahoma City and Tulsa and PC. I’ve put a TON of miles on my car. I’ve filled my gas tank up more times in the last, um, is it really weeks? – in the last weeks – than I have in the last several months. I’m tired people. At least at this moment, I’m not driving back and forth every night. That’s a wonderful change!

This experience will stay with me forever. There were some really wonderful parts – “She’s standing with God and His son”, “Mamma said I could come back for a while”, “live, Live, LIVE! ” “Oh Eileen, I’ve missed you so” There were some really bad parts – “Do you know who this is? (pointing at me) “No, but she’s nice lady and she’s been taking really good care of me” “We can’t say that her brain functions will ever come back, it’s not like a brain injury, it’s lack of oxygen to that part of her brain, we don’t know what is going to happen from here.”, “Be grateful for every hour you have with her”, “Oh Eileen, I’ve missed you so” – which technically qualified as a wonderful part, and a bad part because it was so sad to see her expression at that moment.

There were more quotes, but not everything needs repeated. Some things I will keep close to my heart forever. Some I will share with others, just not here.

It’s been hard. My mom’s life is changed forever. My Grams life is changed forever. I feel guilty because I get to come back here and my life goes back to ‘normal’ – as normal as it’s going to get. There’s a storm brewing here too though. Nothing I’m ready to discuss here. I have a ton of laundry to do, my house needs cleaned, I need a good long nap, and I need to laugh. And I don’t mean that hysterical tinged laugh that I’ve been hearing come from my mouth lately – that one that says, “She is really close to the edge, and with just a little push, she’s gone baby” I hate the sound of that laugh. I am more in control that I have been in a while, but that laugh, the one I can’t help, it speaks to me. There is a note in it, a single note in my laughter that says, watch out. I’ve started crying again. Which is supposed to be a good thing. At least, it doesn’t piss me off when I cry right now – that I KNOW is a good thing. I’ve cried more tears in the last few weeks than I have in the last three years. (and that does include the deaths we’ve walked through in those years) I’m tired of crying. Again, I say, at least it doesn’t piss me off when I cry right now – and that’s a good thing.

Well, that’s not everything, but it’s two pages in MSWord, so that’s enough of an update. I’ll tell more when I’m up to it. Right now, well, right now, I just want a nap. Instead, I’m going to go work on a report that I have to have for next week.

Until next time.
M

2 comments:

TheRenYouKnow said...

I'm sorry doll... I forgot - I feel terrible about it. And then I went and gave a friend in San Fran $300 because he was going to get kicked out of his flat because he couldn't make his rent again - it's flattened me for a couple weeks, but if you still need help, just let me know. M'Kay?

Kat said...

Sorry, I didn't realize you had written this. I subscribe to your blog feed, but it appears that quite a few of my feeds have disappeared lately. Don't know if it's my service or what.

Anyway, how are you doing now? Are things any better? Do you need someone to help you clean?