Wednesday, November 30, 2005

CRAP! Or Life in General... You choose.

So, had a lot going on lately. I'm tired. I am truly greatful for little things right now. I think I'm getting depressed again... and it's not a good time for it. But I'm sad. Not in the boo-hoo sort of way, but in the something is sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe sort of way. In the, I see something sweet and start to cry, and believe me folkes, I am NOT a crier. I had a melt down the other night, cried and yelled at my hubby, and cried some more. It was not a pretty site. Fortunately for me, he loves me and knew that it was just because of the stress that I was so upset and he forgave me for yelling at him over nothing.

My brother in law is very very ill. He has Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. It started with Pickwickian Syndrome, and progressed to this. Also, he has pneumonia. (or SOME bug in his lungs) It is not responding well to ANY antibiotic. It is not good. The docs went in and got some sample of the crap in his lungs (EWW) and have been trying to culture it to get something to kill it, and so far, no luck. The ARDS has 20 - 30% mortality rate. It is breaking my heart to see him like this.

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas. I LOVE giving presents. I mean I LOVE giving presents. I always spend WAY too much money, too much time, too much EVERYTHING on presents... and then I'm scared that someone won't like what I've found for them, or something else stupid. So, it's a love/hate relationship. Somehow, I never feel like I have done enough. I always feel like I am lacking... and it sucks.

Thanksgiving, well, it wasn't so great. I mean, parts of it were wonderful - but parts of it sucked. My brother in law being so ill, royally sucks. He was put in the hospital on Thanksgiving. He was transferred to another hospital in KS the same day. I didn't spend but a couple of hours with my husband during the day. I did get to spend several hours with my family that I normally would not have gotten to spend with them because hubby was with his family in KS... I was left to take care of the grandparents and finish the turkey and do things at the house that had to be done - someone HAD to stay behind, so I felt it was best if that someone were me - since I would not be able to do anything for them anyway. This way, I felt useful. So that gave me several hours to be with my family which was wonderful. I felt guilty being so happy with my own family. I know, I shouldn't have - but I did.

I'm tired. And that's another way that I know my stress level is up. I'm really tired. When I'm stressed, I just want to sleep.

I went to my first night of class last night. It was wonderful. I mean, it was exciting, it was fun. I think I'm going to like my team. I have a respect for three of the other four members, and I'm trying hard not to judge the fourth member. I'm really looking forward to working with these people. School still scares the hell out of me. OH, what do I mean school? Well see, I started college last night. I'm going back. I am going to get my Bachelor of Science in Human Services / Management from the University of Phoenix. I'm scared shitless. or is that witless? Never-the-less, I am terrified. But I made it to my first night of class. I'm doing this one step at a time. I have a million and one things to do with homework, and a ton of reading... but it will all be all right. I will get this degree, and I will be able to further my career (not JOB - but career) and I will be financially SECURE! In just two years. WOW! Now, please, God, Dog, Goddess, Buddah, SOMEONE, please help me get through this.

Happy Birthday Sussy! I love ya honey.

I guess that is all. Life. Crap. This and that. It's all here.

Until next time...

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