Monday, May 09, 2005

Another Holiday GONE

My sweet, sweet boy made a picture frame at school, and his teacher took his picture and he gave that to me for Mother’s Day. I love it. It’s beautiful. It’s just HIM. His hair is not really fixed, he’s wearing a T-shirt, his face has just a little flush to it from what looks like running, and he’s got just a touch of a dirt smudge on his cheek. It’s the most accurate, best picture of my son I’ve seen in some time. It’s recent too, because he’s got his braces on for it. It’s quintessentially my son. I love it (I’ve said that already!)

I’m such a quagmire of contradictions lately. For instance, I have begged to go out. Not to go and get drunk or make a fool of myself, but to go out – to socialize, to dance, to have a drink, to listen to a band, to do SOMETHING other than be at home all the time… I have BEGGED to go out. So, Saturday night, we went out. And what happened on Sunday? I was pissed. I was ugly, and angry and hurt and resentful. Now, when I act this way after I get taken out, what makes me think that I am going to get taken out again in the next ten years? I know, I know… stupid, stupid, stupid. Now before you start thinking that hubby was ugly or went home with anyone else or did anything wrong, he didn’t. He went out to have a good time, and he did. He drank, albeit a lot, but he didn’t get stupid. He didn’t dance with anyone, including me. He didn’t get loud; he talked to anyone, including me. He didn’t DO anything wrong. It was MY expectations that got in the way. It was MY desires that didn’t match with his. And it was MY perception of his reasoning for taking me out that upset me the most. Because I perceived that he took me out because his mom wanted to go out, and not because he wanted to take me out – when in actuality, he was killing two birds with one stone as the saying goes – he was trying to please us both. He was taking me out, as I WANTED and his mom wanted him to take her out, so he took us both out thus giving in to my desire to go out. Also, he is more comfortable in our home town than he is where we live now, so he was more prone to go out there – instead of here – so, he did exactly what I wanted him to do – he took me out. After it was pointed out to me that I was being ugly on Sunday, I felt embarrassed. I felt sad. I felt disappointed. I felt ashamed. I got exactly what I wished for, and didn’t appreciate it one iota. And because of my behavior, I probably won’t get taken out for a very long time… so here’s the lesson of the day: Kiddies, be careful what you wish for, and when you get it – don’t lose the appreciation you should have for getting what you wanted in the first place just because the reasoning behind why you are getting what you wanted isn’t what you wanted it to be. And don’t lose the appreciation that you are getting what you wanted in the first place just because it doesn’t turn out exactly (or even remotely) like what you had envisioned – Simply be happy that you have gotten what you wished for in the first place.

That is all of the lesson today – learn it well, so you can learn from my mistakes and not make them yourself…

Or make them yourself – it is after all, your life.

No comments: