Tuesday, July 08, 2003

How was your Fourth of July? Ours was FANTASTIC! We had a great time with our friends from CA! Spent a lot of time with them and their family, but also got to enjoy some time with just them as well. Hubby really enjoyed having his brother around. And the brother laughed more than I've heard him laugh in years! Hubby drank more than he's drunk since the last time his brother was around, and I actually had too much to drink on one night. Enjoyed watching the fireworks. Kiddo had his usual accident - only this time we didn't have to go to the hospital...yet. I can't be blamed because I was not even there - I had left him in the care of his uncle, and was at home laying down... when I went out to hang out with them, the kiddo was acting funny...so I found out what was wrong. He blew up a black cat in his hand. LOVELY. So far, it seems to be healing ok...but I'm still kinda nervous about the thumb. Just bruised as all get out right now. I swear, if I could, I would seriously drug the child and make him sleep through this whole holiday thing. He's either going to learn to be more careful, or he's gonna lose some limbs. and I REALLY don't like the sounds of the second one.

I saw an old friend when I went home last. I've been talking to him on instant msgr, and it's been good. He's brutally honest with me, and at times, it hurts like hell. But he tells me that those things are in the past, and I'm not the same person now that I was then, so it's ok. I really treated him like hell. I've apologized, and he said that he forgives me. So we are re-establishing a friendship. It's nice to have someone who cares enough about you to be kindly cruel. Sort of. I will tell you, that since I've been talking to him, I've run the emotional gammet...from bitter sweet memories, to heart wrenching tears, to laughing myself out of breath. I miss that kind of friendship. I don't have a lot of friends - I have a ton of acquaintances, but not a lot of real friends, and I am happy to have this one back in my life.

I'm sort of going through a bit of an early mid life crisis. I think. I've realized, that I wasn't the nicest person when I was younger, and although I try very hard to be a good person now, I can be a real bitch. I am coming to grips with that. I am coming to grips with my past. I realize now, that the past is just that, the past. Yes, it definitely influenced who I am today, but it does not have to decide who I will be tomorrow. I am still, at least at the very core, a good person, and I will continue to persue this self-awakening. It's not been fun. I am having to take a hard look at some of the things that I never wanted to look at. I am seeing my parents in a new light. Both of them, and unfortunately, it's not completely flattering. I still love them, and to be honest, I even like them, thankfully, but I am seeing them in a new light none the less. I am learning of lies that were told "for my protection". I am learning of actions that were taken "so I would be all right". I am finding things that I thought were true to be false, and although I initially had some resentment, I am learning to accept things as they are. And for the most part, they are the past. It made me who I am, like it or not, and it is just that, the past. It does not have to decide who I want to be, and it most definitely will not decide who I will be. Wish me luck on this journey.

I'm looking forward to my appointment on the 21st. Thank you to those who have offered words of encouragement, and words of advice. I will be taking you up on the advice part - but I'm gonna try to wait until after my appointment so I know what it is that I am up against. Maybe then I can ask some intelligent questions instead of just sitting here wondering ... what the hell am I supposed to do now?

I've been teasing the hubby that he needs to move us back home. I told him that ever since he took me from my home town, my health has gone to shit. So far, he doesn't buy it. I'm not sure I would want him to. I like my house, I like the school kiddo goes to, I like being able to go out to someplace nice to eat or get good italian food without driving two hours. I like not knowing everyone I come in contact with. I think I like more that they don't know me. I don't have a HISTORY here. It's just me, as I am now. I am liked, at least I think, and I like this person I am more than I did the person I was.... I like the fact that hubby doesn't have a reputation here that he had there. I even almost like being called a *SHUDDER* yuppie. I know that as a family, hubby, kiddo, and I are all happier here... so I don't know that I would WANT to move back. Even if my health were better there. I think I'll put up with the shit health instead. Besides, there are better doctors here. :)

I'd better get back to work... more until later... M

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