So, as I stated before, I've been working on a 100 things list. In doing so, I've discovered a fact about myself that I find a little more than a little disconcerting. I was listing my all time favorite songs. Saying that they are the songs that I most identify with, and the songs that I have in the past identified with my life. I really took a look at the lyrics of these songs - and they are quite the contradiction. For instance - my all time favorite song is:

"Always A Woman To Me" by Billy Joel

The lyrics are: She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes. And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies. And she only reveals what she wants you to see. She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me. She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you. She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe. And she'll take what you'll give her as long as it's free. Yeah, she steals like a thief, but she's always a woman to me. Oh, she takes care of herself. She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time. Oh, and she never gives out, and she never gives in, she just changes her mind. And she'll promise you more than the Garden of Eden. And she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding. But she'll bring out the best and the worst you can be. Blame it all on yourself, cause she's always a woman to me. Oh, she takes care of herself. She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time. Oh, and she never gives out, and she never gives in, she just changes her mind. She is frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel. But she can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool. And she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree. And the most she will do is throw shadows at you, but she's always a woman to me."

My second favorite song is by Garth Brooks. It is:

"She's Every Woman".

And it's lyrics say: "She's sun and rain, she's fire and ice. A little crazy but it's nice. And when she gets mad, you best leave her alone 'cause she'll rage just like a river then she'll beg you to forgive her. She's every woman that I've ever known. She's so New York and then L.A. And every town along the way. She's every place that I've never been. She's makin' love on rainy nights. She's a stroll through Christmas lights. And she's everything I want to do again. It needs no explanation 'Cause it all makes perfect sense. For when it comes down to temptation She's on both sides of the fence. No it needs no explanation 'Cause it all makes perfect sense. When it comes down to temptation She's on both sides of the fence. She's anything but typical. She's so unpredictable. Oh but even at her worst it ain't that bad. She's as real as real can be, and she's every fantasy. Lord she's every lover that I've ever had. And she's every lover that I've never had."

What I'm trying to self analyze is: Does this mean that I am full of contradictions and I don't know what I want, or does this mean that I like being confusing as hell to others - especially men? On more than one occasion, I have been told that the first song fits me. I have a tongue that can cut just like a knife, but as I mature, I no longer "laugh while (they're) bleeding".

I almost think that my health and resulting weight is a cruel irony caused by nature. I was a real bitch. I still can be, but I try not to be. When I was thin, and thought that I looked good, I was so afraid of rejection and had such low self esteem (yes, I know, another contradiction - but I thought that I looked good, I just didn't think that I was a good person - or better phrased - a worthy person) anyway, I had such deep seeded fears that I would hurt others by cutting them off before I would allow them to get close enough to hurt me. Thereby, I was quite the bitch at times. There were a few who saw through, and I am thankful for those few - even today, I am thankful they were around, and they stuck around - because they are still around today.

I guess I've babbled enough for now. Just a contradiction in who I am... self-analyzing again. Not always a good thing. I'm much too hard a judge on myself...